Battling Doubt

Its hard living in today’s world, especially when everyone is encouraged to be Judgey McJudgeface’s (see what I did there). Anyways, I end up regularly doubting myself and the decisions I make. My self-worth takes a beating and I just want hide away from the world. Even when joking around with friends, I find myself needing to explain to them that I’m joking (and not trying to be offense) just in case I should cause offense.

Of course this feeling isn’t constant. It’s like a snake slithering silently around in the undergrowth, so when I’m least expecting it….it strikes. With ease and stealth it Slytherin-PM-Cresteffectively wounds me. Delivering it’s poison of insecurity and, worst of all, fear. Fear is like venom to me. It seeps into all my relationships, like it flows through veins, searching and destroying, in search of the ultimate victim – the heart. It holds tight trying to consume me, stopping me confiding in friends, making me hold in emotions (because to be honest what do my problems matter?), convincing me I’m not worth anything. Plus, like, I don’t want to bore them. We all have problems…. I should just be able to deal with it.

But you see that’s the problem….the antidote is the exact opposite of what feels natural. Remaining open rather than shutting down, talking to loved ones rather than remaining silent, praying and meditating rather than ignoring and doing jobs. I should fight acid with alkaline and do what feels unnatural rather than shy away.

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Empowered

So something strange happened this week, I just didn’t have any word to write but rather I felt that I should draw a picture. I am definitely not an artist so make of it what you will. I was inspired by this passage from Ephesians, Chapter 3.

A Prayer for the Ephesians

14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a]in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

 

Sorry to go all Christian-y, I’ll keep it in check next time!

 

#forpeterssake

OK so something has been weighing quiet heavy on my mind and I’m not quite sure how this post is going to end up because I’m not sure how to feel about it. Cancer has affected various loved ones throughout my life (sometimes more than once) but over the past year my church has been praying for an inspirational young man battling a rare form of cancer. So I guess I’ll start with the facts.

So a 23 year old friend (his name is Peter) of some friends has been battling against a rare form of cancer which affects about 50 people world wide, a year – cervical chordoma. He basically has a tumor growing within the cervical spine. The tumour has wrapped it’s self around and is invading the bone at c1-c2. Recently the battle has intensified. The NHS has exhausted their treatment options and he needs specialist treatment from America which doesn’t come cheap. Step up Peter’s friends and family who have started the most amazing fundraising effort. They are doing everything from sponsored waxing to organising a music festival. The community response has been incredible with members of the public going out of their way to support a family that they might not even know. So please read Pete’s story on the Crowdfunding page and consider it.

Cancer affects so many people and takes many different forms. It’s difficult not to become angry with the physical and emotional pain it causes. I have to hold my head in my hands disparagingly, and ask the question, how can something so evil exist? Well I don’t have an answer. But I do have faith that this vile beast hasn’t come from my God but rather something negative and destructive.

The beauty of the human race is our resilience and fighting spirit. How we stick two fingers up at negativity and find a positive! As Peter fights his fight, he inspires me to want to do more, to donate, to raise awareness of cancer, to somehow show support for his friends and family who must being going through hell yet are remaining positive.

Praise God for you, my awesome, inspirational community.

And praise God for HOPE.

hebrew 6 19
We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure…….