Reflections on my Mummy Experience – I am Selfish

I know I haven’t written for a while. Basically, I haven’t really had any inspiration, nothing really sparked that flame to make me want to sit down and type. Life has been pretty manic which hasn’t really helped but now I feel that this is a good time for me to reflect upon a few things from when the kids were newborns. Not sure how much I will be able to coherently write, so lets see what happens.

To start with I want to say that I found this stage very difficult, so some of what I want to say is quite emotive and probably won’t reflect your experiences or what you may experience. It is simply, just what I have been musing.

I am so happy now to be able to communicate with my kids with words (although it does make life louder). They can tell me how they are feeling or more importantly to them, what they want and I can’t tell them…..No. When they were newborns every thing was guess work. Are they hungry?, do they have wind?, do we need to change a nappy?, why won’t you sleep?  I just found it hard, to be honest. When they were newborns, they were so precious, so small and so reliant upon me. I can say now that it was a great honour to have brought them into the world, to have feed them and seen them grow, learn and develop but there were times I wanted to scream, I cried a lot, and prayed for sleep.

I think one thing I wish I had considered before having child was that fact that you will need to grieve your old life and well, basically for the next few years, your freedom. No more just going out to see friends when you fancy, no more just having a shower when you realise you smell, and no more eating food when you want. I found this a shock, and it was unexpected. I knew that I would be looking after a baby but I just didn’t know how much of my freedom I would loose. Thankfully, I am able to say, it is slowly returning and maybe that is why I feel able to write about this now.

After both my kids were born (even though they were 3 years apart) I need to deal with my body healing, hormone changes, sleep deprivation, learning to breastfeed, family dynamics changing, etc. There was so much to work through, to consider. On top of this I personally, needed to accept that what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it, was not what needed/had to be done. I came second. I honestly, thought I was not that selfish before having kids.  I now realise just how self centred I was and in some ways, still am!

I want sleep.

 

pick two

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